


Day 5 - Kids

by Shardinian



Series: Shardinian (Mishka)'s OBEYMEmber! [5]
Category: Shall We Date?: Obey Me!
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-11-04
Updated: 2020-11-04
Packaged: 2021-03-08 23:06:43
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,603
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27384664
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Shardinian/pseuds/Shardinian
Series: Shardinian (Mishka)'s OBEYMEmber! [5]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1993873
Comments: 20
Kudos: 56





	Day 5 - Kids

**The House of Lamentation (8)**

Asmodeus: Guys! Guys I need your help, I really messed up this time!

Satan: You're not stuck in that glory hole again, are you?

Levi: I'll get the hose, loooool

Asmodeus: No! Come on, guys! This is serious!

Belphie: So was that thing with the glory hole.

Lucifer: What did you do?

Asmodeus: I didn't do anything wrong, I swear! I can't help it if I'm so beautiful that nobody can resist me!

Lucifer: Asmo, it's late. Spit it out, or I'm going to bed.

Asmodeus: Ok, ok! So, this human witch just texted me a few minutes ago, and said that I, uhh… might have made a baby. By accident. With her.

Belphegor: Eww.

Satan: You got a HUMAN pregnant?!

Mammon: Kinda surprised this is the first time this has happened, really.

Lucifer: It probably isn't. So what's the problem?

Asmodeus: The problem is that she's bringing it here! She says she can't raise a half-demon baby in the human world, so she's planning on leaving it with me!”

Lucifer: Not going to happen.

Asmodeus: That's what I told her! But she's already on her way, and won't take no for an answer!

Leviathan: LOOOOOOL

Mammon: Exactly! Good luck with that, little bro!

Mishka: You two are awful. We have to help him.

Satan: What are we supposed to do? We're the last demons who should be in charge of a baby.

Lucifer: True. But Diavolo will be furious if we let a half-human child die in his kingdom.

Lucifer: We will take care of it until we can find it a more suitable home.

Satan: What do YOU know about taking care of a baby?

Lucifer: …I know you have to feed it?

Mishka: That's a good start.

Beelzebub: I'll make ribs.

Belphegor: Good idea. Babies love ribs.

Satan: Baby demons love ribs, but what about baby humans? This thing is both, isn't it? What if it ends up being mostly human?

Lucifer: To be on the safe side, we should work with that assumption.

Mishka: Alright, in that case, human babies can't eat ribs, Beel. They don't have any teeth.

Asmodeus: Whaaaaat?! Humans are born without teeth?! That sounds hideous!

Mishka: It might not have hair, either, so prepare yourself for that.

Asmodeus: Noooooo!! Tell me you're joking! I might have made a bald, toothless worm-spawn?! This is awful! I won't even be able to look at it!

Beelzebub: Does anyone know where the blender is?

Leviathan: Under the sink.

Beelzebub: Got it, thanks.

Mishka: Beel, wait! You can't just liquefy a whole rack of ribs!

Beelzebub: Watch me.

Mishka: No, I mean human babies can't have anything except milk. Do you have any milk?

Beelzebub: There's sloth milk in the fridge. It's pretty old, though.

Mammon: Ewww, Belphie! What the hell, man?

Belphegor: He means the animal, you spectacular idiot.

Leviathan: How do you milk a sloth?

Lucifer: Slowly.

Satan: According to this, human babies can only drink human milk.

Mammon: Forget sloths, how the hell do ya milk a human?!

Asmodeus: Finally! A question I can answer!

Lucifer: Don't you dare.

Beelzebub: Maybe Mishka will share some of hers.

Mishka: Huh? Share some of my what?

Beelzebub: Human women make human milk, right? Like cows.

Leviathan: Wait, wait, wait! One of us has to milk her?!

Satan: Not it.

Beelzebub: Not it.

Lucifer: Not it.

Belphegor: …I'll give it a shot

Mishka: No way! Nobody’s milking anybody! I don't have any milk, ok? It doesn't work like that. For a human to make milk, she has to be pregnant.

Mammon: Pregnant?!

Mammon: Ya mean, somebody's gotta…

Mammon: STAY RIGHT THERE I'M COMIN'

Mishka: MAMMON, FFS NO! BAD DOG! STAY!

Mammon: Gah!!! What's goin'on?! I can't move!

Satan: …I didn't realize she could command us through texts.

Lucifer: Neither did I.

Belphegor: Well that's terrifying.

Beelzebub: So where do we get human milk, then?

Mishka: Levi, go online and see if you can get baby formula delivered down here. It's like… fake human milk. We'll need it asap, because you have to feed babies every few hours.

Beelzebub: Can I do that part?

Asmodeus: Be my guest, daddy Beel!

Belphegor: Don't call him that.

Lucifer: Ever again.

Mammon: Guys, someone come get me! I still can't move!

Lucifer: So what else will we need to do to ensure this child doesn't die on our doorstep?

Mammon: DON'T IGNORE ME

Mishka: Ok, let's see…

Mishka: You'll have to baby-proof the House, for starters.

Lucifer: Excellent idea. If it can't get inside, it won't be a hassle.

Belphegor: I'll lock the doors.

Satan: I don't think we can just leave it on the porch, though.

Lucifer: I’ll find a box.

Leviathan: What if it rains?

Lucifer: Boxes have lids. It will be fine.

Beelzebub: It has to be air-tight, or the baby might go stale.

Lucifer: Good call.

Mishka: Guys, no. It has to live inside.

Asmodeus: Like, all the time?

Satan: What if it starts screaming? THEN can we put it in the box?

Mishka: NO BOXES!

Mishka: And it will definitely scream. That's pretty much all human babies are good at.

Belphegor: …Lucifer, can you lock me back up in the attic until it’s gone?

Lucifer: Not if I lock myself in the attic, first.

Satan: Please do that.

Mammon: SOMEONE PLEASE COME GET ME

Mishka: FOCUS, BOYS! I don't mean ‘baby-proof' like ‘bullet-proof', I mean that you have to make the house safe for the baby to live in.

Mishka: Or just pick one room, and baby-proof that, instead. Where is it gonna stay?

Lucifer: Asmo's room.

Satan: Asmo's room.

Beelzebub: Asmo's room.

Asmodeus: Dumpster.

Mishka: Ok, Asmo's room it is. Asmo, lock all your cupboards, get rid of anything toxic – which would mean all your makeup, I guess – and board up your bath.

…

…

…

Mishka: Asmo?

Satan: He's sobbing in the library.

Lucifer: Tell him to cry on his own time.

Mammon: GUYS THERE'S A BUNCHA LESSER DEMONS LAUGHIN AT ME

Mammon: THEY'RE THROWIN STUFF

Mammon: HELP ME

Mammon: HELP ME

Mammon: HELP ME YOU GUYS

Leviathan: Stop spamming the chat, scumbag!

Lucifer: Someone go get Mammon.

Belphegor: No.

Lucifer: You just volunteered.

Satan: Can we at least try to stay on topic?

Beelzebub: Yeah. We need to do this right, so the little baby's happy.

Satan: Beel, are you 100% sure you're a demon?

Mishka: You’ll need something for it to play with. Something soft, that it can snuggle.

Beelzebub: Noodles are soft.

Satan: I have a voodoo doll around here somewhere.

Lucifer: Cerberus likes to snuggle.

Mishka: Those are all terrible ideas.

Belphegor: It can have one of my pillows.

Mishka: That's actually… not a horrible idea. Thanks, Belphie.

Belphegor: It's a cursed pillow, though. Does that matter?

Mishka: OMFG YES IT MATTERS

Mammon: Levi's got all sorts of dolls stashed away in his room. Just take one of those.

Leviathan: THOSE AREN'T DOLLS, MAMMON

Leviathan: THEY'RE COLLECTABLES AND YOU KNOW IT

Leviathan: EVERY LAST ONE OF THEM IS PRECIOUS

Leviathan: I'M NOT GIVING EVEN A SINGLE ONE TO SOME GROSS HUMAN DEMON BABY

Leviathan: IT'LL CHEW ON THEM

Mammon: Sheesh. Who's spamming the chat now, loser?

Leviathan: OR DROOL ALL OVER THEM

Leviathan: WHAT IF IT RIPS ONE

Leviathan: THEY'RE IRREPLACEABLE

Satan: Is there any way to block someone in these chat rooms?

Belphegor: No. I've tried.

Beelzebub: On who?

Belphegor: Everyone.

Lucifer: Levi, we're taking one of your dolls. End of discussion.

Leviathan: WTH?! That’s SOOOOO not fair!!

Satan: Deal with it.

Lucifer: We’ll have a place for it to stay, and something to feed it, and something it can cuddle. What else?

Mishka: Clothes. It'll need clothes, too. Human babies tend to freeze to death if they’re naked.

Asmodeus: You never told me I'd get to dress it up! Why didn't you say so in the first place?!

Asmodeus: OOOOOH, SWEET LITTLE BABY! Papa Asmo’s gonna dress you up in all the fanciest ensembles! You'll be such a hit on Devilgram!

Satan: It's not a poodle, Asmo.

Asmodeus: I'm gonna cover up your ugly bald head and turn you into the cutest thing the Devildom has ever seen! I can already feel the likes pouring in!

Mishka: Whatever you dress it in, just make sure it's big enough to fit over a diaper.

Asmodeus: I'm sorry, a what?!

Satan: This book says that human babies are incontinent, Asmo. They have to be trained to use a bathroom.

Mishka: He’s right. Sort of. They don't learn how to do that for a year or two, though. Before that, they just shit all over themselves.

Asmodeus: YOU'RE JOKING RIGHT PLEASE TELL ME YOU'RE JOKING

Satan: …He's sobbing in the corner again.

Lucifer: Stab him, please.

Satan: Already on it.

Mishka: Ok, well… I think you guys have everything you need to keep it alive, at least for a little while. You'll do great.

Beelzebub: We're gonna make it so happy.

Satan: I must admit, I'm a bit excited to be an uncle.

Mammon: Think it'll call me The Great Mammon?!

Leviathan: I'm gonna teach it everything I know about anime, and then some!

Belphegor: …I might like to hold it while it sleeps, if that's ok.

Lucifer: If we can't find a suitable home, I suppose it… could live with us. For a little while. 

Asmodeus: GUYS!

Asmodeus: GUYS WAIT!

Asmodeus: I just got another text! It's not mine after all! It belongs to some mouth-breathing incubus!

Asmodeus: What a relief!

Asmodeus: Later, all! I'm gonna go wash my hair!

Belphegor: …

Satan: …

Leviathan: …

Mammon: …

Lucifer: …

Beelzebub: …

Beelzebub: …

Beelzebub: Mmmm. Ribshake.


End file.
